Understanding Military Family Roles and Family Structure
Understanding Military Family Roles and Family Structure
This vignette begins during the family's second therapy session.
The Martinez family presents for family therapy. The family consists of Dan (45), an Army Lieutenant Colonel who has served for the past 15 years and recently assumed command of an aviation battalion consisting of more than 300 soldiers. His wife, Cassie (42), works part-time as a medical biller and is the primary caregiver for their two children: Bennett (8) and Zoey (5).
Cassie brought her family to therapy due to concerns about changes she has noticed in their children following Dan's return from a four-week military training exercise. The family is also preparing for Dan's upcoming nine-month deployment, which is scheduled to begin in three months.
Cassie reports that Zoey has become increasingly tearful and clingy since Dan returned home. Bennett has become more withdrawn, spending much of his free time alone in his room. Cassie describes Dan as "constantly distracted by his phone" and says he seems to remain in "Army mode" even when he is physically at home. As a result, she feels the family spends very little meaningful time together.
Dan reports increased conflict with Cassie regarding parenting and household management. He explains that when he is away, he feels the household becomes chaotic and that Cassie struggles to maintain consistent boundaries with the children.
Help me understand what happens in the family when Dad is in "Army mode." How do everyone's jobs or roles change?
Help me understand what happens in the family when Dad is in "Army mode." How do everyone's jobs or roles change?
Honestly, I stopped expecting much help from him. I cut back my hours at work and take care of everything at home. Since Dan took command of this unit, I feel like I have to take command at home. I don't really share much about my day anymore because I don't feel like he's listening. I just focus on the kids and getting through each day.
I know Dad can't really help me with homework or play video games when he's busy with Army stuff. Mom is usually helping Zoey, so I mostly just stay in my room and do my own thing.
When Daddy puts his big green bags by the door, I know he's leaving again.
Army mode is constant right now. I get calls at all hours from my soldiers, and they need me. Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't really need me anymore. I don't know where I fit in at home. Cassie and I argue so much about the kids that it's easier to focus on work and getting my soldiers ready for deployment.
It sounds like the Army places demands on every member of this family. Dan, you're responsible for the well-being and readiness of hundreds of soldiers, and it sounds like it has become difficult to know what your role is at home. Cassie, you've stepped into many of the responsibilities that Dan would normally share, becoming both the emotional and logistical leader of the household. Bennett, it sounds like you've learned to stay out of the way and handle things on your own when the adults are stressed. Zoey, seeing those deployment bags reminds you that Dad will be leaving again soon, and that feels scary and sad.
It sounds like the Army places demands on every member of this family. Dan, you're responsible for the well-being and readiness of hundreds of soldiers, and it sounds like it has become difficult to know what your role is at home. Cassie, you've stepped into many of the responsibilities that Dan would normally share, becoming both the emotional and logistical leader of the household. Bennett, it sounds like you've learned to stay out of the way and handle things on your own when the adults are stressed. Zoey, seeing those deployment bags reminds you that Dad will be leaving again soon, and that feels scary and sad.
Things to consider.
In this example, the family has adapted to Dan's repeated absences and increased focus on work by creating a new family structure. Cassie has assumed increased parenting and household responsibilities while reducing her emotional dependence on her spouse. Bennett has responded to the loss of connection with his father by becoming more independent and withdrawing from family interactions. Zoey's clinginess reflects anxiety surrounding anticipated separation, with her dad's bags serving as a visual cue that another absence is coming.
Meanwhile, Dan experiences his own form of distress within the family system. As his leadership responsibilities increase, he feels uncertain about his role at home. He struggles to reconnect with a family that has learned to function without his day-to-day presence. Rather than moving toward the family, he withdraws further into work, where his role and responsibilities feel more clearly defined.
This pattern is commonly seen in military families. During periods of training, deployment, or high operational demand, families often establish a new homeostasis that allows them to function in the service member's absence. While these adaptations are often strengths that demonstrate resilience and flexibility, they can create challenges when the service member returns home or when the family's roles change again. Family members may struggle to renegotiate roles, reconnect emotionally, and reestablish routines, particularly when another separation is already anticipated.
Understanding how military service reshapes family roles and family structure provides clinicians with valuable insight into both the strengths and stressors operating within the system. Exploring these role shifts can help therapists identify attachment injuries, patterns of withdrawal, caregiver burnout, trauma symptoms, and reintegration challenges while also highlighting the remarkable adaptability and resilience that military families demonstrate.